Scott Carter Cooper
Opinions
A bare stage. A. enters to center, stands on a chair or table and blows a royal fanfare into a kazoo.
A.
I… have an opinion!
ENTER B.
B.
I always agree with your opinion.
A.
That opinion is based upon my singularly valuable personal experience, which is always beyond question or reproach!
B.
You are so kind to come to this public space and share that opinion, which is now my opinion. I speak for everyone when I say: thank you!
ENTER C.
C.
I have literally never had an opinion until I heard that opinion, which is now my opinion. You’re so witty and wise.
B.
Profound and philosophical.
A.
No. No. I am only enlightened.
B. and C.
Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!
ENTER D.
D.
Excuse me. I have an opinion.
A.
This is a public space. All are free to speak here.
D.
My opinion is… this.
B. and C.
Oh! This opinion is not that opinion.
A.
And that opinion is our opinion.
D.
But -
A., B., and C.
No!
A.
That opinion is based upon our experience.
B.
Which is universal!
C.
And absolute!
D.
My experience is different from your experience.
A.
So, obviously, you are incapable of having our experience because we are us and you are you.
D.
My experience doesn’t count?
A.
Your experience is your experience and is not in any way our experience, so therefore your opinion cannot be our opinion. Don’t you agree?
C.
I do.
B.
As do I.
D.
Why?
A.
Because it does not echo my experience.
B.
Nor mine.
C.
Nor mine.
A.
It is impertinent -
D.
Impertinent!
B. and C.
Yes.
A.
It is impertinent to come here and have an opinion that differs from our opinion.
D.
But this is a public space.
A.
And all are welcome to be heard. But the only opinion worth having is our opinion.
B.
Which is very high.
C.
Yep. I mean, yes. Very high indeed.
A.
Does your opinion match their opinion of my opinion?
D.
No.
A.
Thus and therefore, you are stupid.
D.
But -
A., B., and C.
Shut up!
D.
If you do not want others to comment on your opinion, why did you state that opinion in a public space?
A.
So the world may benefit from that opinion.
B.
Oh, and we do.
A.
And learn from that opinion.
C.
Oh, and we have.
B.
We’ve learned nothing from this opinion.
A.
And now I’ve expressed that opinion, you may admire me.
B. and C. applaud.
D.
But -
A.
Speak not! You are offending us.
C.
I am appalled.
B.
I am wounded.
C.
I may never recover!
D.
I haven’t said anything, except this opinion.
B.
And we do not agree.
C.
Or recognize…
A.
… this opinion because as we have already stated, you are not able to understand that opinion because your experience is not our experience, and therefore this opinion is your opinion and not that opinion, which is ours.
D.
But -
A.
And when you try to clarify this opinion… we are offended -
C.
Injured -
B.
Righteously angered!
A.
The fact you do not recognize is: we are not interested in this opinion -
D.
But I have supporting facts -
A.
How dare you! Facts?
C.
Gross!
D.
Maybe your opinion is…
A.
What?
C.
Wrong?
B.
Incomplete?
C.
OMG! I’m literally damaged!
B.
I’m just sad!
A., B., and C. laugh savagely.
ENTER E., marching center stage and facing the audience.
E.
Hitler!
E. EXITS.
C.
Well that was unnecessary.
B.
I completely agree.
D.
The conversation is over.
A.
Hold up. You don’t yet agree with that opinion!
D.
Well, Hitler’s been invoked, so by the rules of the public space, all rational discussion has ended.
C.
Oh, that’s right.
B.
That is the rule.
A.
I reject the rule. I… have another opinion.
C.
Now what do we do?
B.
I don’t know. We’ve never had another opinion.
D.
Well, y’all can stay here. I have a life.
D. starts to EXIT.
B.
What?
C.
I don’t -
A.
Good riddance, say I. We’ve already determined your opinions is irrelevant, so be gone!
D.
See ya.
B.
Wait! What is this life of which you speak?
D.
You know. Coffee. Laundry. A little tickle-giggle. You know. Life.
C.
Outside the public space?
B.
Where no one can see you?
C.
Or admire you?
D.
That’s right. Where you’re free to form your own opinions.
B. and C.
What?!
D.
It’s true. There’s an entire world out there where interesting things happen.
A.
Not true! Everything worth anything happens right here, in full view of the public space.
B.
Coffee?
A.
You order it from the public space and have it delivered.
C.
Laundry?
A.
Who needs clean clothes in the public space?
D.
Tickle-giggle?
A.
Oh, there’s plenty of that right here.
B.
I like tickle-giggles.
C.
I do too.
A.
As I said…
D.
It’s just not the same thing.
B. and C.
No?
D.
Yes. It’s much better.
A.
Nothing is better than our opinions. Why, just the other day, I was saying -
D.
Would you like to meet for coffee?
C.
You mean…
D.
Outside the public space? I do.
B.
What about…
B. indicates A.
D.
Wanna come?
A.
Certainly not! I have a lot of opinions, and if you’ll just give me another minute, I will give you illustrative examples and stories about a friend who knows someone who supports my opinion in obscure and random corners of the public square. For instance -
B.
Nah.
D.
Let’s go.
C.
I’d like to find some of that tickle-giggle you mentioned.
B., C., and D. EXIT
A.
Well, I stand by that opinion. That is a very good opinion. In fact that’s the only opinion worth having.
E. passes across the back of the stage.
I say! This is my opinion!
E. stops to listen for a second.
E.
I thought you had that was your opinion.
A.
But now I believe, deeply in my bones, this opinion is the best opinion in the world, and therefore it is my opinion.
E.
You have pictures of kittens?
A. Shakes their head no.
E.
cont’d
What about your lunch? Those are always classic.
Again, A. shakes their head.
Meh.
E. EXITS. A. steps down from their perch and sits.
A.
That really is the best opinion in the world.
Lights fade to black.
END OF PLAY
